Time, Space, and Trust

THE INVITATION :: by Oriah Mountaindreamer

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing."

Aching. Dreaming. Longing. Yikes. Big words.

Words that I notice are making my stomach hurt. I feel nauseous. Sick. To my stomach. You know that feeling right. It's a big feeling.

But I'm a-ok-ish w it. And not just cause it's good for weight loss. Eh hm. I mean cleansing. That's what we'll call it. Ya. Ya. Cleansing. I mean I've been meaning to cut back on the gluten and cheese. The sick stomach helps. Some. 

I've also been cooking more (again). And I've been accepting more (again). And I've been releasing more (again). I've been continuing to consider to balance my experience between giving space and taking action. And trusting.

Time. Space. Trust.   

My first grade teacher died this week. It hit me hard. Death hits me differently since I was told that I had boob cancer. I have hit different phases w how I grieve. Different stages. In treatment. Just done w conventional treatment. Now. Thriving. 

It was an accident, I hear. Nothing she could have done differently. And it has me all shook up. Super. Uber. Biiiiiig time. And so I am sick to my stomach. 

But. I decide to feel it. To sit with it. The sick stomach. The heart ache. The misunderstanding. The reaction of injustice. Why? Why? Why?  Cause it just flippin seems like life's is unfair.

I used to obsess over the why. To try to understand. To find some sort of justice w an experience or w a situation. And. It drove me bat shitake cray cray. 

My first grade teacher gave me a book for high school graduation titled, "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?." I never read it. It mentioned the word God so I was turned off. I vaguely remember it having to do w acceptance of what we can't control. She knew my expectation that life should be fair. It's definitely not. Duh. And I now have mostly removed "should" from my vocabulary. 

My sister read the book when I was diagnosed w boob cancer. She told me to wait. That it might be too much for me. It was about a sick kid who died. I haven't read it. Still probably won't.  

I'll take this lil nug though. Well, these nugs.

I am a good person.

I deserve better.

I deserve to be sat w so that I know that I am not alone.

And I'll make this choice. Well. These choices.

I choose to disengage from draining relationships. 

I choose to weed out the ones that have run their course.

I choose to meditate.

I choose to allow tough realizations.

I choose to remove guilt to encourage release.

I choose to part from what no longer fits. 

I choose time.

I choose space.

I choose trust.

Cause I'm worth it. And you are too, boo. 

Believe it and you will see it.

Dare to dream!