Preggo. Never been. Tried hard as hell to to be for awhile...it’s a story some of you know. And. I’m finally ready to share. Cause it’s been on my mind a lot lately. A lot. Not the two years of “infertility”...the idea of not being a mom. And finally feeling totally a-ok w it.
Two years of taking my temperature, peeing on an ovulation stick, IUI aka turkey basting, abdominal massage, acupuncture, therapy, abstaining from caffeine, abstaining from alcohol (and then some months drinking a whole bottle of wine when Aunt Flo showed up. That biznitch). And then finally. I.V.F. Which I didn’t go through with. I left my marriage instead. And now I have eggs on ice. Two rounds thanks to the boob cancer.
Speaking of cancer. I remember in the depths of the two years of “trying” reading that the emotional impact of going through infertility is equivalent to having cancer. So. Validating. Also, thanks for the cancer too Universe.
So. Now. I have found myself in this sweet spot. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my sistas (soul and bio). I LOVE my freedom. I LOVE impromptu dance parties w my muzac of choice. I LOVE loving my sister’s kids, my best friend cousin’s kids, my friends’ kids. I LOVE Wim and Adz. And Lyn and Daniel. And Junebug. They are A-MAZING. Seeing the Universe through their eyes is enlightening. Refreshing as hell. I LOVE getting to walk around my hood in the morning w my coffee w.o having to get someone to watch my kid. Although coffee/bfast picnics on the front porch w Wim sho are a-mazing too.
I hope to not burden Wim and Adz. Or Lyndon. Or Daniel. When I’m old (and wise!), one day, and might need a lil’ help from the youngsters. Cause I may not be a mom. And I am a-ok w that. Finally. And I don’t want them to be my replacement kids. H no! I am not asking for that. I take care of them as an aunt, and I respect their boundaries. Which means I rarely get hugs from Wim. Since he’s generally “not available.” I guess it’s what I get for asking.
And then there’s the “Collapse List." Heard 'bout it on S-Town. A podcast I’ve been hooked on. While cooking. Call me a conspiracy theorist or an apocalyptic (or don’t). Here we go yo. Part of the list :
- "One million 99% of rhinos gone since 1914.
- 90% of big ocean fish gone since 1950.
- 50% of great barrier reef gone since 1985.
- Ocean plankton decline of 1% per year means 50% gone in 70 years.
- Ocean acidification doubles by 2050, triples by 2100.
- One million humans net are added the Earth every 4 ½ days.
- We must produce more food in the next 50 years than we have in the past 10,000 years combined.
- Earth has only 60 years of farming left at current world soil degradation rates."
- BTdubs - noted that energy or economic issues are not included in this list.
“It’s numbing,” Brian Reed, host of S-Town. And homeboy fact checked this shitake.
So, here’s the deal, parT peeps. I’m a-ok. I’m whole. I’m Em. I’m Strong. I am enough.
Thanks to all the familia, amigos and amigas who stood by me through the depths of infertility, divorce and cancer.
I love you.
Family and friends ARE EVERYTHING.